Nature versus nurture. It’s a phrase that comes up in my profession, even if it’s unspoken. I’m in the business of child language development, and nothing raises more eyebrows about nurture than a child who can’t talk…. or who has poor vocabulary knowledge…… or is lacking in language skills.
Oh it comes up in psychology too. We’ve all heard the stories of twins separated at birth and raised in different environments. How do they turn out? Are they a product of their environment, or did nature play a bigger part? I don’t really know the answers to those particular studies except what I’ve seen on talk shows like all of you.
However, I’m here to talk about speech and language development. I’m a professional in it, but nothing could have taught me more about nature versus nurture than having two of my own children.
Maybe that’s why it took me until my daughter with CAS was almost three to get tested. Was I in denial? What the heck? Well, I’ve seen the eyebrows from fellow colleagues about children I’ve treated. I’ve been privy to the comments, “well, his parents just never read to him!” or “they just don’t talk to their children” or “those parents anticipate all of his needs that he has no NEED to talk.” So yeah, I’m pretty sure THOSE comments were exactly why I waited so long.
Deep breath.
Teachers and speech/pathologists, we need to talk. This talk is cancerous. If only you KNEW what a parent who has a child with delays goes through on a daily basis, you would instantly take back your words.
I am a speech/language pathologist, and had been practicing five years prior to the birth of my daughter. I might have been unknowingly pompous once. Let’s face it, I was. I was convinced my first child, my daughter, would come out practically gifted. Heck, I had a master’s degree in childhood language development and disorders. If anyone could give their child the upper hand, it was going to be this mama. I remember when she was very young, maybe a month, I had a red and green light rattle that I would slowly move around her visual field. I even think I wrote on facebook I was having withdrawals from my job and was just doing some “speech therapy” with my child.
I remember cooing at her, using “motherese,” talking to her while I went about my activities, and even using baby sign with her paired with visual models each time she went to “eat” “drink” or wanted “more.” I remember locking toys out of reach so she would have to request them, demanding some sort of verbal response before she received anything of interest, and having her use AAC on my iPad. We (I) sang nursery rhymes, sang our ABC’s, and had letters all over the house like in the bathtub and on the fridge. I read religiously to her EVERY, SINGLE, NIGHT. She was going to be a prodigy. I just knew it.
It pains me to write her whole story in this post. I have an entire blog for that. Suffice it to say, things didn’t quite turn out as I had envisioned. Her SLP mama who knew the tips and tricks didn’t seem to know the key to unlocking her voice, or her other motor skills. Despite nightly therapy sessions, it seemed I was to be the only SLP on the planet who had a child who couldn’t talk. Who I couldn’t TEACH to talk. Despite going to work everyday and helping my students find their voice, my daughter struggled with hers.
Despite throwing myself in research, attending conference after conference on early intervention, or consulting with my colleagues, my daughter STILL struggled to speak.
I’ve come a long way in this journey, but let’s just say my guilt and feelings of failure for Ashlynn were so strong that I specialized in the disorder. I love what I do, and I love CAS, but I thought at least if I were a specialist I could finally and truly say I really did EVERYTHING I could to help her.
“You’re an SLP” you might be saying. “I have parents who don’t care like that.”
Let me just tell you, that your parents are now MY parents and I have treated many kids with CAS….and I can tell you with absolute, positive, and definitive truth, that EVERY mother feels or has felt like me. They may manifest it in different ways, but isn’t that to be expected? We are all individuals after all. However, every mother I have met is worried. Every mother I have met is a praying woman. Every mother I have met feels helpless. I felt helpless and I’m a speech pathologist!!!
My dear colleagues, I don’t want to get another phone call from a mother in Arizona who has a bubbly voice and seemingly carefree personality, confess that despite every night that she lays her head on her pillow pleading with God that her child gets better and praying it was nothing she did, the SLP told her if she had just read to her daughter more, she would have been in a different position.
This is not okay.
If you don’t believe that mother, than believe me. I have finally come to terms with the fact that nothing I could have done would have made my daughter talk on time. Please, please, don’t add to that mother’s guilt. I assure you, she is full to the brim already with it….despite the fact there is nothing she could have done.
I have another SLP mommy I have met now with a child who has CAS get a note from an SLP that stated,”still remains delayed despite excellent familial support.”
That statement, seemingly benign, implies that that SLP believes nurture plays more than nature, and she is having a difficult time reconciling such delays that are accounted for….GASP…..an actual disorder.
Friends, speech and language disorders are your livelihood. Please stop assuming nurture played more of a part. My son was born in the midst of my daughter’s diagnosis. He never received the FRACTION of therapy my daughter did, and he said mama at 8 months old. He went onto to say and do things that left me speechless. Not because I doubted him, but because based on my experience with my daughter with global apraxia, I didn’t have to TEACH him any of it! Time after time, I shook my head asking him, “how can you say that?” or “how can you do that? I haven’t taught you that yet!”
If this journey has taught me anything, it’s that speech and language delays really ARE an actual disorder like we all learned in graduate school; and SLP’s, your role couldn’t be more important. Please don’t taint it by coming in with an assumption “if only they had…..”
Come in with the assumption that “they have….and they are spent.” Please, please be the parent’s champion as much as you are the child’s.
