My “why” is bigger than any knockdown punch
So tomorrow is the culmination of my experience and chance meeting with Ronda Rousey. I honestly cannot believe my one encounter and subsequent blog post went viral and has now landed us on the national stage that is Good Morning America.
When Ashlynn was dx, I remember being grief stricken that although I had tried to work with her for a year, she still remained largely silent. I remember thinking what a failure I was. I remember thinking how unlucky she was to have me for a mom. What was the point in having a mom who was an SLP if she couldn’t even help you talk?
After my pity party and lots and lots of tears, I resolved I would become an expert in the disorder. How? No idea. No time to think about that. Just a goal, and me working toward it would be my mission.
I couldn’t help but worry that I would fail. I would fail in my mission, but worse yet, I would then fail Ashlynn.
I didn’t cry for this interview, but one phrase that will make me tear up every time is when I say, “I didn’t want to fail her (Ashlynn).” How would I live with myself? An SLP that couldn’t help their child talk? Disgraceful. This is how I felt.
My husband showed me an inspirational video the other day talking about a boxer who beat Mike Tyson. He got knocked out in the first round but still managed to come back and knock out Tyson to win the match. The speaker said his “why” was bigger and stronger than his knockdown. According to the video, days before the fight his mother was on TV telling people he would beat Mike Tyson, but she died before she ever was able to see it. His why (proving his mother right) was greater than being knocked out by Mike Tyson.
If you read Ronda’s book, she says her dad always told her she would be great. She would be President or she would win the Olympics. He died when she was a child, and he was never able to see her. I saw in an interview her tearing up just hoping she made him proud. That she wonders if she makes him proud every time she steps in to the octagon. It comes then as no surprise why she is undefeated. Her why, it would seem, is greater than any knockdown punch life had or has thrown at her. These knockdown punches including speech; but also her dad’s death, her struggle with bulimia, and living out of her car.
That brings me back to tomorrow though. How the heck did I make it on GMA? As I reflect, I think I have finally realized my why was greater than that blow that was the apraxia diagnosis. Fearing I would disappoint Ashlynn I have been relentless in my fight to beat it for her, but then to help all the other children who come after. I don’t want anyone to feel the way I felt that day. With more awareness, maybe the blow could be a little less forceful.
One surprising thing to hear throughout this entire journey is that people think I’m brave. I don’t feel brave at all. I was so scared I wouldn’t be able to help Ashlynn. If I didn’t help her, I wasn’t sure I would have ever been able to live with myself. So that’s why every time I felt scared, I thought of her and all the other kids I treat who I have to encourage to be brave. I make them in every speech session do the one thing that is the hardest for them. I watch them fight, struggle, cry and sometimes fail so many times before they are able to achieve success, and this success may just be onesound, one syllable, one word.
It would seem very hypocritical of me then to turn away when I had the opportunity to educate so many people. Oh I wanted to. I think I spent the day hiding in my office the day my post hit USA today. I felt so overexposed. I couldn’t stay in that spot long though, because that is exactly how our kids with apraxia feel when they have to talk.
Anxious
Overexposed
Scared
Yet they wake up the next day with a smile, ready to do it all again.
It’s hard to put myself out there and be open to criticism, but then I think,
“This is exactly what kids with apraxia do every day.”
So tomorrow there my story will be. On a national stage; and though it’s scary, I have to look no further than in the eyes of my daughter and remember my why.
