Does she really want to swim? I never really know.
Global Apraxia is a hell of a disorder. I’ve written before that though at times it has been a blessing, I don’t believe I will ever quite forgive it. Despite a child having the will, they have to work, and work, and work to find the way. Though they have things they want to say, they can’t always say it. Though they have things they want to do, they can’t quite do it; let me revise that. They can do it, but with more practice and repetition that cannot possibly be adequately described with the written word.
Then there’s the bystanders. People who aren’t close to the situation. They think, “well just work with her a little and she will get it.” Even her preschool teacher thought writing her name would just “click.”
It NEVER clicks. Nothing A has done has EVER clicked.
EVER.
It is with pure determination, will, tenacity, and resilience that she succeeds…….and succeeds with a smile on her face.
A is almost six, and she has never told me what she wants to be when she grows up. She has never begged me for a toy, or to be in an activity. While I see other girls her age eagerly expressing how they want to be a singer, or a ballerina, or a gymnast….I have had no idea what A wants to be, or what she is interested in.
I can guess. She likes to cook. She likes to bake. She is a happy girl and generally speaking likes any activity I put her in. She loves to play teacher, speech therapist. occupational therapist….you get the picture. But she has never actually told me who or what she wants to be.
I kept her in swimming because not only does it help with bilateral coordination, it helps with focus and core stability. That is, until the day I wrote this post one year ago.
I saw the light go out in her eyes.
I wrote on my fb page I still can’t read it, and I can’t. I know what it says though, and it’s the scariest post I have ever written. Suffice it to say she almost drowned in swim lessons, and her instructor was able to somehow coax her back in the water. Had he not done that, I am certain she would never have attempted to swim again. However, he did, and the story played out much differently. He was a head guard, and he also offered private swim lessons, so we put A in private swim throughout the entirety of last year. 
A LOVES this man. She TRUSTS this man. On Valentine’s Day she used every last candy pack and glued it to his card. I can’t believe how incredibly patient, kind, thoughtful, and understanding he is with her. I can always see by her smile how much she enjoys it, but part of me has always wondered if I should be putting her in dance…gymnastics again…..karate…..hippotherapy…whatever. I wish she could say, but she doesn’t, so I take stabs in the dark.
Progress has been slow. Josh (her swim instructor) told me a couple weeks ago that she is at the point where she can float alone, but everytime he tries she freaks out and they regress to the beginning. He was telling me he needed to find a way to let her go without starting from ground zero again.
I prepped her the whole week. “A, Josh thinks you are amazing! You are doing so good! He wants to let you go, but you can’t be scared. If you fall, he will be there. He will never let anything hurt you. You have to try and do it on your own.”
“Why?” she asked.
“Because honey. We swim alone. Do you see anyone helping me or daddy when we swim?”
“No,” she admitted.
“A, it will be okay, I promise. Josh will never let anything happen to you, but you have to try to do it on your own okay?”
Silence
“Okay A?”
“Okay, mama. I’ll try.”
After prepping her the whole week, she had an opportunity to go up with her grandparents early to a weekend getaway in the mountains. As her private swim lessons are Friday evening, I considered cancelling. I asked her what she wanted to do, and she said she wanted to go swimming. Okay, so I let my son go early and took her to swim lessons.
The lesson started off typical, but it ended anything but.
Josh warned her he was going to let her go. She didn’t start freaking out like she usually does. She told him ok.
He had her on her back and I was holding my breath. I know he’s right there, but I have PTSD from her incident last year. I’m scared too, even though I know it’s an irrational fear.
Josh lets go…
…..and he counts to three before he lifts her up!!!
He cheers!! “A!!! You just floated by yourself for THREE seconds!!”
She smiled from ear to ear. He tried to do it again, but she shook her head.
“Okay,” he said, “not today. That’s okay. We’ll try again next week, but I am sooo proud of you!”
When we left the pool I was praising her. She typically will just smile which is good enough for me. This time though she proudly exclaimed,
“Mama! I float by myself!”
“Yes!” I said. “Yes! You should feel sooo proud A.”
“Thank you mommy, ” said A.
“For what?” I inquired.
“For swimming” she said sincerely.
I had finally had my answer. She may beg or tell me who or what she wants to be or do, but her simple thank you was profound enough.
I teared up before I could barely utter, “Oh A, you don’t have to thank me, but you’re welcome.”
As I said before, global apraxia is a hell of a disorder, but when you beat it, there is nothing in the world better.