Shaming parents about home carryover
I’ve been on this special needs journey with Ashlynn for a long time now.
I have grieved, recovered, grieved, and recovered again. I have developed thick skin. I have felt guilt, then peace, more guilt, and then peace.
I thought I was past all the BS. I have accepted Ashlynn has severe needs. I have accepted my journey with Ashlynn is going to be MUCH longer than I ever anticipated and I have embraced it. This girl goes to school from 8 to 2:45, and almost every day after school she has some sort of therapy or tutoring strategically scheduled to help her overcome all of her learning disabilities.
I’ve been done making excuses for not doing homework.
I finally just started being honest and saying “We will see. She is a very busy and overscheduled little girl,” when therapists would ask about homework . Ashlynn goes to school and then has therapies after school, and then we hope to get home to eat and then finally do her SCHOOL homework.
That doesn’t mean there isn’t any other homework. Oh no. For all the therapies she receives after school there is also homework. Always homework. So not only does the average kid NOT go to therapy or tutoring everyday after school, they also then don’t have the homework assignments from said appointments after school.
My daughter has it all.
Go to school and get homework, and then attend therapy and tutoring that takes away from homework time after school and receive MORE homework on top of school homework for the extra after school services. Oh, and my daughter has global motor planning issues, so any homework assigned is usually homework that needs to be done everyday.
Everyday my daughter is expected to do regular school homework and then follow through homework for OT, PT, Speech and tutoring as well.
If for some reason said homework isn’t done or done to the fidelity of a therapist’s expectations, I get to see the raised eyebrows and judgemental eyes. I know what they are thinking even if they don’t say it. “You couldn’t carve out 5 minutes for some simple yoga poses? Speech word practice? Sight word drills?”
Again, I thought I was past this. I was done feeling guilt. My whole life is running around trying to get my daughter the help she needs and then coming home and trying to be a mom and get dinner and then at least getting through her school homework. I have been done for a LONG time apologizing for not getting the therapy homework done.
That was until today
Two weeks ago I put Ashlynn into a therapy called oral facial myology to help with her mouth breathing, tongue thrust and immature swallow. I knew going into this the homework component was going to be big. I knew this! We received a sticker chart to keep us honest. Ideally she would do the exercises 2x – 3x a day and we would reconvene in 10 days.
Today was our second follow-up appointment. I was so proud of Ashlynn! We had done the exercises every single day! A handful of days we managed 3x, most days we did 2x a day, and on three days including one where she spent the night at her grandma’s we did 1x a day.
I was proud of us. That was no easy feat. Sometimes it cut into bedtime but I knew this was important and I was willing to go the extra mile.
My sails were immediately shredded within 5 minutes of our second visit.
The swallowing therapist was warm and inviting as usual. We were seven minutes late because we were driving from PT and I had forgotten to ask the physical therapist to end 5 minutes before and instead she ended 5 minutes late. We still made it though! School ended at 2:45, we were at PT at 3:30 and then we were at swallowing therapy at 4:25. I was proud of myself for getting her to all these places.
“How did the homework go? Did you complete it?” the therapist asked Ashlynn. Ashlynn enthusiastically nodded yes as I took out the sticker chart and the therapist looked on disapprovingly. So there are three days here you could only do one practice session? For this program to be successful, she needs to be doing the exercises at least 2x a day.
“There are a couple days we did three! Does that cancel out the three days we could only fit in one?” I laughed nervously.
I looked up to a face of disapproval.
“For this program to work, you really need to be more consistent,” she lectured.
I swallowed a big swallow and collected our things. I think I literally gulped back tears. I was paying a lot of money for this therapy. Of course I wanted to see it be successful. Of course I wanted to practice with Ashlynn as much as I could. Guess what though? I also needed to make sure we completed her homework and read at least 10 minutes per night. Then and only then did I need to make sure she was doing her homework for reading tutoring, OT, PT, and speech as well. Oh and she also needed to eat at some point and take a shower. Being a kid? Nope. That’s not in the cards apparently.
The guilt and responsibility is overwhelming
I cried as I left the swallowing woman’s office. I was trying! I thought Ashlynn and I had done amazing! We practiced what seemed like every spare minute we had together, which actually is very little spare time together! I was proud of our dedication, but this woman had only criticism. She told me if the program was to work, I really needed to get more serious about practice.
I went home that night in a state of anger.
I was yelling at my kids, my husband, the computer..really anyone who would listen. I was devastated at having a therapist, a well respected therapist basically tell me if I didn’t take the homework seriously and with the fidelity it needed to be, my child wouldn’t improve.
I railed against everyone and then I messaged an ally.
The ally I messaged is an SLP who specializes in apraxia and oral facial myology. I was so lucky to meet her at L.A.’s Walk to Talk for Apraxia when I took Ashlynn at 8 years old. Her name is Lisa Klein and she has a reputation for not only being an amazing therapist, but being an incredible friend, mentor, and encourager. I barely know her yet knew I needed to talk to her. Fortunately for me, she told me I could call her on my way home and like a crazy mom who is desperate I did. I talked in a long winded series of run on sentences and questions and when I stopped she said the most impactful thing to me that brought me to tears.
Laura, first of all, you are a great mom and that girl has come so far because of you.
I started balling. Not like crying either or tearing up. No. Chest heaving ugly cry balling. I just needed that validation. She went onto say things that our myofunctional therapist suggested too like going every other week. She brainstormed how to get in practice or what exercises we absolutely couldn’t miss. She said all of this though with compassion and free from judgement, and that is exactly the type of therapist I aim to be too. We need to meet parents where they are at and we need to know parents are under an insane amount of pressure and are doing the best they can with the tools that they have. I need a therapist to understand that. I’m constantly shocked by the number of therapists who have so most judgement. I say this all the time but I say it again. Please, if you are a therapist reading this please have compassion and understanding for the parents. We are fighting daily battles and crying tears no one ever sees. Please be kind. Please.
