Thank you for choosing me to be your mom
It’s Halloween, 2018. You are a freshly turned nine-year old. You are 9 years old. My mind immediately repeats a phrase from my dad,
“Mr. Baskall, here’s your little baby girl.”
I remember I would roll my eyes and scoff at him.
“Ugh dad!” I would lament as he looked at me with eyes brimming with pride.
I don’t have any words to describe or memorialize your entrance into this world, but I have your pictures.
Halloween, 2009 was the most magical holiday that I have ever experienced. It was the first holiday I ever experienced as a mom. I was a mom.
I was a mom!!
On Halloween’s prior, the entire holiday was full of self-entitlement, but the Halloween of 2009 was full of something completely different. I had given life to the most beautiful angel.
My normally highlighted hair was brown, which is actually my natural color. I had diligently not dyed my hair while pregnant with Ashlynn to ensure no harmful chemicals crossed my scalp, into my bloodstream, crossing the placenta and then hurting my baby. I remember taking every precaution to ensure I had the healthiest baby my body could possibly produce. An avid craft beer drinker from Colorado, I would refuse to even take a sip while pregnant. I ate my lunch meat warm to avoid lysteria and eliminated all caffeine so my developing fetus was never exposed to any stimulant in utero. I wore an industrial style mask when I painted her baby room to ensure she was exposed to no harmful fumes.
So confident was I in ensuring I had followed every caution and recommendation, the thought never even once crossed my mind I would have a child with any sort of developmental delay.
Life sure answered back with a big middle finger and boisterous laugh at that one.
Every Halloween though, I become nostalgic. I remember that new mom holding that tiny baby in her cute onesie with the pumpkin bum and beaming with pride. I remember my husband dutifully reporting to work each day, but taking time to hold, hug, kiss and fawn over the tiny human we had somehow created together.
I remember my heart being so full I thought it could actually burst from the amount of love that it was trying to contain inside. Every Halloween, ironically, reminds me just what a GIFT life actually is. Yes, this day of the dead reminds me of how lucky any of us are to actually live. Halloween always reminds me of how blessed I was to have a baby.
I had no idea then, all the challenges life had in store for Ashlynn. When I look at that picture, I see the instant connection a mother has to her child. Our eyes are fixated on each other, and I know she trusted me to be the person to never give up on her. I remember what an honor it is that Ashlynn chose me to be her mom, and I renew my commitment to never, ever, EVER, give up on her.
I love you Ashlynn Kay. Thank you for choosing me to be your mom. I hope I never let you down.
