An open letter to the well meaning “I’m here for you.”
May is Apraxia Awareness Month and Mental Health Awareness Month. From the surface, it does not seem like they have very much in common. Apraxia is a rare and severe speech disorder in children, and mental health has to do with, well mental health. Ironically, they are the two conditions I write about the most.
I like and do believe that most people are good. Regardless though of how good of intentions a person may have, I think we many times miss the opportunity we actually want to have happen. I learned this the hard way unfortunately, when I wrote a popular piece on The Mighty for suicide prevention entitled “The Two Word I Would Have Told My Friend Who Died By Suicide.”
In this piece, I lament that had my friend just called me I would have been there. I say this as complete truth. I know I would have. I just would have. Unless I had been gravely ill or incapacitated, had my friend called me during her time of crisis I would have been there. Who could argue I didn’t have good intentions? Well to my surprise, many did actually. Many people pointed out that a person with depression isn’t going to reach out to anyone because they already feel like a burden. Many people pointed out had I really wanted to help her it would have been I that would have reached out instead. Oh, and not just reached out and asked, “How can I help you?” No, not that. I should have kept reaching out and reaching out because depression is insidious, trapping the person inside.
Obviously, that was a hard pill to swallow. However, Maya Angelou once said, “When you know better, you do better.” In other words, there is no point in feeling guilty about the past because you didn’t know; but once you know, you have an obligation to do better in the future. Knowing what I know now, I would have kept reaching out.
This may seem like an odd jump, but the same is true when it comes to mothers to a child with a disability, or heck, the person WITH a disability. The road is HARD. That doesn’t mean we would change the road, or wish we had a different car for the road; but it is hard and many times lonely road. Even close family members will not understand the struggle. For all those of you telling your friends things like “I’m here if you need me” or “Call anytime” or “Let me know if you need a break.” I’m asking you to just assume they do and go help them. Show them that you are there for them. Offer a day and time you are taking their kids or bringing them coffee and just going to have an adult conversation with them.
No one, whether it is depression, special needs parenting, or being the person with a disability wants to feel like they are a burden or imposing themselves on anyone. SHOW them you are there for them. ACTION. This is blunt but true. No one cares what you say, they care what you do. If you, or me, or anyone else really means “I’m here for you,” then do it. Show it!
Currently, I feel like people don’t understand another person’s plight that is not their own until they experience it themselves. A person who has never had depression doesn’t understand why a person with depression wouldn’t reach out. A person who has never had a child with special needs, doesn’t understand how difficult it is until or unless they have a child who has a disability. A person who has never been a single mom doesn’t understand how difficult it is to be a single mom unless the person goes through being a single mom themselves.
This doesn’t have to be the case! In this age of the internet and information and knowledge at our fingertips, we have an even greater chance at becoming better people. We may not know first hand the experiences of others, but we can read about them and then take actions to improving, enriching, and enhancing the lives of each other.
I could have been indignant that those who actually had depression told me my well-meaning “had she just called me” didn’t hold any weight; or I could learn from it. I chose the latter and I know that in the future, if I ever think anyone is struggling again I won’t wait for their phone call, but will deliver it myself.
Le’ts let this age of information make our lives and the lives of those around us better, because knowledge is power and we have knowledge at our fingertips. If we know that it is a universal truth that everyone in this life will have or will be going through some sort of struggle, let’s choose to be kind and not simply say “we are here if you need me,” but take the actions that show others we truly care.
Let this Apraxia Awareness Month and Mental Health Awareness Month not just be a crazy coincidence, but a reminder that everyone on this planet is experiencing joys, fears, heartaches, and love and that is simply this thing called LIFE. Beyond the “I’m here for you,” let’s let this month be a chance for us to show it through our actions. Mark Twain said, “Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed in the things you didn’t do, than by the things you did do.” So in this month of May, what are YOU going to DO to make a difference?
