Reality check. Once upon a time, I feared I may never have children.
Gratitude.
Finding gratitude.
I truly do believe gratitude is one of the most important practices on a path to happiness.
I’ve been having a hard time lately again. I hadn’t felt this discouraged since Ashlynn was first diagnosed about 4 years ago. I worry so much, and even though we work sooo hard, harder than most people it would seem, we continue to stumble backward. It’s such a terrible place to be.
I start seeing the trees instead of the forest. I start counting each star instead of the galaxy. I start to get consumed in the nuances.
But then……
I went for a girls night. Had sushi and wine with some great friends. The best friends really. Girls who have known me…all of me….me before kids.
There were four of us this night. I have the oldest kids. My other two friends have children 2 and under, and the fourth woman was just married and looking forward to becoming pregnant.
My kids are older now, so I could stay and chat, but the two with young infants had to leave. I stayed and shared a glass of wine with my friend who had just gotten married. I asked her how married life was, wistfully remembering that exciting first year. Her immediate and large smile made my heart happy as a I remembered that feeling through her transparent emotions.
Her countenance shifted as she detailed the possibility of having PCOS – poly cystic ovarian syndrome.
My mind raced back to two supplement bottles in my cabinet above my fridge. I was immediately and surprisingly reminded I had PCOS. That seemed like a lifetime ago. Memories came flooding back to me in that moment. Memories I had seriously forgotten. I read the anxiety on her face. I remembered it, because I had experienced it myself. It’s terrifying to think you have a condition that can prevent you from conceiving a child. In that moment talking to her, I remembered feeling desperate, scared, and anxious. Since I have had two healthy kids, I hadn’t thought of PCOS since this very moment, talking to my friend. Something that had consumed my daily thoughts I had clearly forgotten about.
Mind blown.
It started coming back to me though. She asked me how I was dx. I started to say it was based on what I said, and then I remembered I had had an ultrasound that proved it. I asked her if that sounded right and she readily agreed in affirmation.
Wow
How had I forgotten that? I started to remember more. Oh yes. Only one of my ovaries was working and they discovered that on ultrasound. I remember now. Wow. Again, how had I forgotten that??
Crazy
Crazy because I now have two children. Two healthy, beautiful, amazing children. I have two souls on this Earth who call me “mom.”
Insert tears. “Blessed.”
Blessed.
Blessed.
I realized talking to my friend, until that moment when she was unloading her fears to me, I had completely forgotten about, and written off any memory of PCOS.
I personally am astonished. I’m astonished because this was SUCH a big deal to me. How could it not? I had a disorder that could potentially cause infertility!
I’ve been feeling down…but in that moment. In that moment of talking to my friend, I remembered how desperate I felt to have a baby. I remembered how blessed I felt to kiss this baby…to smell this baby…to nurture this baby as only I could….
And I remembered how blessed I felt to hold her, to touch her, to smell her and to breathe her.
My baby girl. My perfect, sweet, and lovely baby girl.
I have been so consumed with other things, I had seriously forgotten I had worried about ever conceiving a child. I think back now, and that worry had been so pointless. I have not one but TWO amazing kids now. I am so incredibly blessed.
Me and my little man
It made me think. I get caught up in the learning, the attention, and the this and the that. At the end of the day, I’m so grateful and happy my children inhabit the Earth. When it really gets down to it, nothing and I mean NOTHING is as important as the fact they are HERE. They are LOVED. They both give MEANING to my life. My life is better because Ashlynn and Jace are in it. Period. The end.
I will ALWAYS fight for my babies. It’s how I am. It’s in my blood. Perhaps though, I needed to be reminded that I HAVE babies, for that in and of itself is a privilege. A privilege I had forgotten.
Suddenly, it put things in perspective. I remember indignantly refusing genetic testing because I would love and accept any baby no matter what. I do still vehemently believe this (although in an ironic twist we will probably be pursuing genetic testing for Ashlynn), and thanks to this conversation, I remembered that no matter what Ashlynn’s challenges, no matter what potential challenges Jace has or will have…. I STILL would have signed up for them,
just for the the chance to be
A Mother
To be their mother.
