Anxiety as a special needs parent feels like…..

Anxiety as a special needs parent of Childhood Apraxia of Speech feels like……

It’s my fault. Endless intrusive thoughts wondering what caused it, and despite coming up empty, still feeling like somehow it must have been something you did.

I’m not doing enough. Despite working tirelessly and endlessly for your child, you will continue to see her struggle, and it feels like you have missed something; and the enormity of the responsibility is crushing.

Doubt, doubt, and more doubt. There is always a decision to make in parenting, and it feels like there are never any easy answers, only tough choices, and you’re never sure you have made the right one.

I’m failing. Thousands of dollars dumped into therapies that help, endless restless nights, tireless fights, but still seeing low scores leaves feelings of failure…and nothing is worse than feeling like you’ve failed your own child.

Getting on and off the bus at the wrong stop over and over. Even after months, sometimes years of therapy, you still feel like there is no end. When one area seems to improve, another area of concern arises.

I’m falling. Out of touch with friends, family, life outside of therapies, and yourself.

Exhaustion. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally.

Never ending worry. Am I doing enough? Will my child make friends? Will he/she be successful? Will people see past their disabilities and see their abilities?

The weight of the world at times. A result of all of the above.

Lonely. Finding support and others who truly understand this journey is difficult. Isolation is real.

Thank you to Kendra Jenkins, an apraxia mom and advocate who commiserated and collaborated with me to write this simple, but hopefully powerful post.  There is nothing easy about being a special needs parent, but there is always a silver lining, and the silver lining is finding others who can bring you comfort simply by saying “me too.”