I waited for this moment for so long…so why I am still sad?
Original appeared 9/13/15
My hu
sband’s sister was married last night. Ashlynn was the flower girl and like any flower girl, she absolutely adored all the attention. Ashlynn can speak now, and speak well where most people understand her. If she’s at a loss for words, she’s smart and falls back onto one of her scripts, her most favorite being, “what are you doing?” She’s smart like that, because it takes the pressure off her and forces the other person to answer w
ith more than one word.
Before the dancing really got underway, Ashlynn held out her hands to me and asked me to dance. I was initially lost in thought because the song that was playing was Mumford and Sons “I will wait.”
I wrote about her and that song some time ago, and I was trying to remember how long ago it was: I will wait
…but alas I was pulled out onto the floor and danced the rest of that song with her. I’m so glad I did, because it was the last time that night she would want to dance with me again.
She lit up the floor imitating dance moves, spinning in the center of a group of women, and engaging anyone else she could. When I asked her to dance later that night, she would move away from me, or flat out tell me no!
I told my husband my woes, and he said the most profound thing.
“Laura, you can’t be sad. Look at her! It’s the first time she can fit in without help.”
And he was right! Imitating dance moves like gangham style (if you don’t know this dance move google it) seems easy, but if you are a kid who has global apraxia, imitating any motor movement sequence is an accomplishment; and she did it, time, and time, and time again. My nephew told me when she put on her dress she spun around “like a cupcake.” It was such a great visual and I was sad I missed it, because I had yet to see Ashlynn do that. I remember being a little girl and I loved to spin and have my dress poof out; but Ashlynn has never been able to get the motor plan down to spin fast enough….but she did tonight.
As I watched her smile shine brighter than the dance lights, I realized my husband was right. It still made me sad, but children aren’t meant to hang onto to their mothers. They are meant to fly away, or dance away as the case may be.
So I took the time to dance with my son. I wanted to sit, tired from chasing him all night, but I realized again, so glaringly, that the days may be long, but the years are so short, and so we danced. We danced like no one was watching, and I smiled at him, and he smiled at me and I tried to get lost in the moment; and that moment was….amazing.
When the wedding was over, I still had Mumford and Sons ringing in my head.
“I will wait, I will wait for you.”
“I will wait, I will wait for you.”
Everything I have done has lead up to this moment. Watching her when she was three years old struggle and almost fall to get on a short trampoline her classmates were jumping on, and then only being able to march on it broke my heart into tiny pieces. Watching kids do a bear walk on their hands and feet while Ashlynn was in the back with a teacher holding her core just so she could feel what it would be like to be in that position…. How would she ever catch up? The other three years old bouncing gregariously away and she could barely get on without falling.
I vowed to never give up. I vowed to find away, I vowed to wait. With tears in my eyes I would always walk by her side and wait for her………and tonight, the waiting was over. It was here, now, in this room. She looked like everyone else. She could fit in without me or Cody helping her, and as she danced I was so grateful she took time to dance that one song with me, the symbolism and history of it surely lost on her. That damn song now. How will I ever listen to it again and not cry? A girl with no voice sang her first tune to it, and asked her mother for our first dance, and just like that, a painful chapter closes, but a new one starts. Watching my little girl slip through my fingers will be something I’m sure I will feel many times. I didn’t realize when I vowed to wait, I was really waiting for her to slip away and become more independent. I didn’t quite realize I was waiting for her to not need me, and that feels weird now somehow. I know this is how it should be though, so I’ll try and smile as she dances away.
I Will Wait Lyrics
Well I came home
Like a Stone
And I fell heavy into your arms
These days of dust
Which we’ve all known
Will blow away with the new sun
But I’ll kneel down
Wait for now
And I’ll kneel down
Know my ground
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait , I will wait for you