I’m never doing enough
Since I’m an SLP, I’ve been in the meetings where we, as well meaning professionals, give our advice and tips. Simple and easy tips that seem so easy, but when you have 4-5 people giving you these tips, the weight seems to get a little heavier.
Such was the case tonight. My grant finally ran out for my private OT and speech services that I was able to get starting at the beginning of the summer. So for the last OT session, I asked the OT to just kinda look at all the skills and give me an update.
She immediately started in on handwriting to start. Handwriting is probably her hardest area right now. I didn’t want to admit it, but when we did our Thanksgiving craft, I thought she might have regressed. Plus, private OT has been working more on gross motor skills and core strengthening, and we’ve seen some big growth. She can finally pedal her big wheel the span of three houses and back, and is able to sit on the carpet in school during circle time without any special seating or weighted blankets. That doesn’t mean her core is better though. I observed her in class on her birthday, and by the end of circle time, she was practically mush melting into the floor.
However, there were improvements….and this is good.
Back to handwriting though. Long story short, we haven’t been focusing on handwriting. As she had Ashlynn write her name, the struggle was apparent. Since I have also worked with this OT, I know her “hmms” and “ok’s.” They meant Ashlynn was NOT doing OK and she had concerns. I waited.
“Have you seen regression in her handwriting?
Me: Groping for words
“I just say this because I hadn’t been focusing on handwriting because the school was. They are right? Focusing on her handwriting?”
I was launched back to her IEP meeting. I remember the teacher saying the kids write their names with the Uppercase AND lowercase letters, and then she looked at the OT and mentioned they could chat since OT’s typically don’t want the kiddos writing in lowercase.
That was the end of it. Ever since then, I’ve noticed Ashlynn traces her name everyday, and that papers come home with her tracing her name after someone had highlighted it first.
I kinda stuttered. Well, I know they have really been working on drawing a person and getting all the body parts. I proudly showed her a sample, and the OT admitted it looked good.
Her name though. Her name. Damnit. I don’t want to admit I saw regression too and now I realize it might have had to do with changing from uppercase to lowercase before she had even mastered uppercase.
I asked if she recommended staying in uppercase and she said yes. That would be best, because we’re going to have a situation where she won’t be able to do either.
Stupid apraxia. Stupid apraxia. Stupid APRAXIA. sigh.
She works so hard too. My poor baby. She knows it’s tough, and yet I see her march on. She tried to smile, act cute, and divert attention, but the OT made her write all those letters….and it was hard, yet she smiled through it all. Knowing she wasn’t writing them correctly. She always tries so damn hard.
I applied for more funding. I don’t know how we can afford private speech and OT, but I know she needs it, so we’ll find a way.
You know what’s so hard, is this same OT that is seeing her is my friend and colleague from my old school district. Before she knew Ashlynn I would talk to her about her issues, and not knowing Ashlynn, she would always say she was sure school OT was enough and that I was probably overreacting. Assuring me not to worry. But then today, the last session until I get funding, her brow was furrowed and she said, “oh I just didn’t have enough time with her.” It killed me to hear, because it means she sees professionally what I have seen all along. Ashlynn needs so much help. As she left, she told me maybe we could plan a playdate over break. I eagerly agreed and then she offered a freebie therapy session. She’s such a good friend and I appreciate her charity, but again, it let me know just how serious this is.
Yay apraxia. Yay GLOBAL apraxia.
As I went to help get Ashlylnn ready for bed, I found myself pulling patience from the depths of me because I know she needs it. She can’t yet take off or put on her shirt. She’s five. I think I mentioned in a prior blogpost my son who is 2 takes it off no problem. That’s hard. It hurts.
Then, the things she can do, like putting on her pants or socks take a very long time. Tonight her pajamas had buttons. I sat on the floor waiting for her to try, and try she did. It took her 10 minutes to button three buttons, but she never gave up. Think about that. 10 minutes doesn’t sound like a long time, but just to button three buttons?!?
Tick tock, tick tock.
I have to wait though. I can’t do it for her anymore. She will never learn that way. I have to sit there, even though I desperately just want to veg out and not think about her speech, her writing, her drawing, her pedaling, her drawing a person, her feeding herself, dressing herself, oh and I didn’t even mention the letters and letter sounds we work on every night I can.
And she always comes through. My nerves were frazzled and my husband emerged from her room and said she told him that she buttoned the three buttons by herself but mommy “did this one” (the last one). She was so proud.
Like I said, the weight is sometimes overwhelming. There is so much to do, and when I focus on one thing, it seems we have lost in another. All I can do is keep on keeping on. I’ll take my cue from Ashlynn. That’s what she does and I love her for it. I just hope I can be the mom she deserves to have.
